Thorough Care

Many are the times when I have had to take a friend through the motions of self healing. The illness having been caused by they themselves.I have suffered from the same a couple of times, despite knowing the best prevention and cure for it. I am talking about heart illnesses not the physical hole in the heart, or collapsed artery sort of illness. This is that which we bring onto ourselves it is when ones heart suffers from lack of maintenance. How Is this possible ? You ask, most of us spend hours grooming ourselves, going for manicures, pedicures, massages, going to the gym, jogging, eating proper foods , go out to have fun in dance clubs, buy music and video systems for our houses, which ensures we are thoroughly entertained, we date, fall in love, watch our young children grow, we play with our pets, drive cars and mountain bikes, surf the internet, take pictures, watch the sunset and sunrise, buy nice clothes, wash and iron them for good appearance, students take part in exciting drama and music festivals, sports, make fun of their teachers and sneak in food to their dormitories.
Those in jobs do their jobs well, work overtime and do all in their ability to do a satisfying job. Farmers wake up early to plant, and get back home late after a long day’s work , the politicians harangue, the common man complains, the religious follow the set rituals, a day or two a week, the writers scribble and lose themselves in a bubble of fantasy which rises higher and higher until reality pops it and they crush back to earth, musicians give performances, the audience responds with applause, horses and cars race, participants win bets, others lose, clubs are formed, others break.
At the end of the day, what do we say? Life continues. Some say it was good while it lasted, while still a number will say, who cares ? Or what does anything matter ?
What is my point? It all depends on your view of things. The things mentioned above, seem to me like all physical. It may be argued that taking care of the physical means everything else is taken care of , take happiness that results from say winning a game, or dancing, one feels happy, looks happy and the happiness -no doubt is resounding in every corner of the entire composition of a person - but is this the case?
My friend Wangeci, a mother of two has been married for the last four years, and living happily in a big house in an uptown estate, she has everything one would wish for , a loving family, a faithful husband, money to raid all the exhibitions in town, modern home entertainment system, a stress free job, house helps and a healthy body.
Wangeci laughs a lot , she enjoys life, she is what some call the life in and of a party. Everything goes well for her, however; she realizes she constantly has uncertain feelings in herself , she feels unsure and she confesses to experiencing flashes of panic criss crossing through her-that’s the way she explains it- all this while she portrays perfection personified. Why is this so ? First we must understand that this is not her doing at all , while she is all over town, literally doing all the right things and ensuring her life is not going down the slope, her inner self is looking the other way. All she does she does for the sake of keeping up appearances. She may seem happy, yes, but she has not taken time to listen to what her inner self has to say, perhaps according to what society has raised her to believe, she thinks all she has is enough to make her satisfied, it might be the complete opposite of what could make her satisfied, all over. She hasn’t taken time to consider that maybe what she feels is most important to her is actually someone else’s dream, maybe her parents or friends or even her happy lark self which always has it’s own definition of situations.
Many of us never reach our inner selves. We only take one look at things,based on our single view,and other people’s, and think that is truly the way, we never sit to ask ourselves what it is we really need.
Meditation, religion, self search and all those practices that we try out for the purpose of reaching out to our inner self do us no good unless we can take time out of our busy happy schedule and examine our hearts. One way to do that is by writing down those thing that we honestly desire but ignore because they seem dull and less glamorous than the basis for glamour, when we have this on paper, we can think of them and closing off our minds against exterior interference, we think of how we feel about them, this way, we will be guarding ourselves against heartaches and dissatisfaction even if they don’t come to pass, at least our innerself knows we took the time to consider what it had to say.The entire person is taken care of, and chances of uncertain flashes zigzagging across our abdomens become fewer.

{Published in The People On Sunday 2005,as We don’t Really Know What We Require.}

Cuando Seas Mia

cuando seas mia en cada sueno

voy a estar yote voy a hacer

buscar, pedir, rogar mi calorvoy

a desojar tus suenos como las

mas bella florvoy a vivir como siempre

como esclavo de tu vozdesde el arco de

tu ceja hasta tu dulce intimidad

caricias yo voy a sembrar

It ended very suddenly you must agree.One time we wondered-when will this ever end?I stopped watching it then.Then the events started to marathon and before we could say-Sanchez Sabrano,they announced the season finale we all wanted to know-
What will happen to Fabian?
How about Paloma?
And the Grandmother?
I didn’t get to watch that last episode.Neither did anyone else within the radius of U1,U2,Innercore and Tena.Yeah,the power took an off,and returned at 9.30.
I am not a fan of soaps. I prefer something that ends in one seating. Plus,they cry too much,fight too much,and over use the word imbecile. However,this one, circumstances made me have no choice.My room mate was hooked!Even now,you’ll hear her humming-buenos noches,,,,
When it was going on,,she’d be laughing so hard I’d just have to come from the kitchen to see what was so funny.
You’ll be surprised too,like I am,when I think about it.That Fabian was the one that made me ever sit to watch it.He was funny.One episode,he couldn’t let his Personnel Manager sit,,for having brought in a new employee,who was pretty,and could cause trouble between Fabian and his wife.
Anyway,I was to write about Paloma.The person who created that character got some awesome result.
Paloma was capable of being sweet and lovely like a jasmine flower,and say-Oh Diego,,,,-then flatter her eye lashes.She could be sad and forlorn and beg-please Diego,tell me the truth,with streams of tears.And when angered,you saw smoke rise from her ears-Diego!you are the biggest fool I ever saw!
She was beautiful too. Pretty in dresses when she visited the coffee fields,cute in office suits,and jeans gave her the town girl look.I hated her singing,but Diego didn’t seem to mind it-who am I to judge?
I wonder if it’s possible to be like Paloma,to be an almost complete woman,unafraid,daring,sensual like her.When I’ve tried to be sweet and lovely,,the best that came out was an irritating giggle-hihihi.
Reminds me of a story I read from Egypt by Rashad Kushday-Anguish.A guy complaining and telling his friend why women have been the source of all his troubles.He divorced his first wife because she giggled at everything
-hihihi,she’d giggle.
He was afraid that she might giggle at another man’s jokes when he wasn’t around and cheat on him.
Back to Cuando Seas Mia..Diego was not very bright upstairs,not so good looking either for a major part.I liked Aurelio and the red bandana thing going on,,the cowboy look,,,I liked Wancho,true comic.The granny was respectable enough.Daniella and her chocolate.Jeremy was British enough,was he?The Italian guy,,how do you call your wife to be-mamma?

Kung fu

Mama.my uncle,used to say that every time I set off for school-aikaraga anyitiriire mara na ngundi{he’d hold his breath until I closed school and went back home in one piece}Reason,he feared that it would be only a matter of time before I’d be sent home,for fighting.This was not mere talk,he had watched me beat up and even slap several of my cousins both younger and older if they chanced to say something thoughtless to me.He had seen way my eyes reddened and my hands trembled when someone bigger,like himself angered me and I couldn’t pay back.
Well,his fears almost came true.he knows nothing about it.I was 17 and in fourth form,anxious –to get out there-Biology wasn’t a favorite subject but since it was just notes and diagrams,I read them.
The teacher was a petite woman with an interesting accent.She had pets in the class,and the pets scored high.One time we were revising a paper we had done.I kept finding very many correct answers marked wrong on my paper.I got very incensed. So I walked up to the front and demanded that she corrects the unfair wrongs.
There were three streams each form.Two marks would see me almost twenty something steps down.
She said she wouldn’t correct them.
I insisted,she refused.So I took my papers in a huff and stumped off in righteous indignation.
-Come back here Cecilia!-
I just continued to my seat.I wont go into details of that shameful reaction,but that day,I almost raised my hand to a teacher.She must have ‘seen ‘ the fire going on inside of me,and may have even felt,say,a tiny bit of a shiver.I was substantially big then,a bit fat even.It had been a Saturday.Dress down Saturday,and that year,Bandanas were hot.
I didn’t look any bit like a peace crusader. We became buddies with the teacher after the incident.I wasn’ so bad,just when mad.
I calmed down for the rest of the year but I was always on the verge of giving someone a good thub,as we called it.
When I got into my first serious job,I was the only female in the Branch. It was not bad.But one guy kept calling me by a nickname I didn’t like.I warned him against it severally but he continued.One day there were three of us in the office,so the third guy goes to the server room.The other one with a bad habit tells me-pour me some coffee-the name-
I remember both of us were standing,so I turned and grabbed his shirt collar plus his tie, where the two meet, and held it in a very tight grip. I am strong and the grip was firm alright. He stood like an inch and half shorter.
-Don’t you ever call me that again!-
I shrieked to his face.Then held the grip a few seconds.
He was shocked!And embarrassed.
I was shaking.I thought he’d hit me.He said he was sorry,it was only a joke.
Later,the third guy told me I was mad.
The one I gave a shaking,,,,well,he told me sometime later that once I wanna get married,I should give him a call.Ha
That’s in the past now,as much as I trained for kick boxing and self defense.
I guess, I knew that it was either I fight my own battles or get crushed underneath.
Now, when I’m angry, I go silent.If I tried to speak,I’d stammer. Other times,I look for something to smash against a wall.Many times I just put on some music and exercise, or listen to instrumental music, Beethoven, some jazz. Yeah.
When it’s so bad,I get it out with tears.
I’m not a threat any more. So mama, relax.
Jan 07

Stay

‘Cause with you,
I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all I’d give for us
Give anything
but I won’t give up

‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long

But you know,
you know, you know
I wanted I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving u anymore
Believe me
Hold on to me and never let me go

{Written By Chad Kroeger,NickleBack}

What if I said

I miss you because,
When I put the kettle to boil, I wish it was for two.
When I cuddle with my cat in bed, I wish it was you.
When I rub mosquito repellant on my legs,
I remember;How well you did the same,
they never touched me.
When my throat pains ,I miss your fingers rubbing in the garlic.

I miss you because,
This room is a hall without you.
This place is a mess since you left .The clutter.
The clothes are unwashed.
And so is my hair, it’s no longer brushed,
Your strong arms were real useful around here.

I miss you because,
Your companionable silence kept us sane-
The way you walked behind me like a bigger shadow.
Your secret look which you thought I din’ notice,
Which I now miss.
And your hearty laughter that came suddenly but rarely .

{It was real nice to read to a responsive audience.Thanks Beatrice,for the pics}

I attended a poetry reading last Tuesday,Organised by kwani Trust.It was a lot of fun.I read the poem,What if I Said and got quite a reaction :-).Get the full story at http://www.campusvybe.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=183&Itemid=37.

Youth

I long for way he’d stand close,
As I blushed,twisting my hair
My heart thudding,his breath in my face,
I’d forget to breath.

I long for way he smoothened my eye brows,
Touched my lips with a finger,
And quickly kissed me light.
Then leaned back to watch my flushed face.

I long for way blood rushed to my face,
And my palms grew cold and gray
When he’d lift my chin with his finger
And ask if I knew he loved me.

I miss his bright morning texts
-I’ll love you all day-
His goodnight texts
-Dream with me,coz,I will-

I miss the way he’d stare at me,
-If not you princess then no one-
He’d say and vow,
To never love or look at another.

I miss his squinting eyes
That always seemed rubbed or tired
His voice that recalled a soft drum
And his confidence that hid my uncertainty.

He made me giggle and snigger
He made me dress up and wear make up
I forgot my drap clothes,my canvas shoes,
With him I was a princess.

I could step into expensive hotels
And follow him into 8.45p.m movie theatres
My self image improved,I felt taller,
Criticism didn’t sink in.

After being with him I could go back,
And block off the snarling and sneering
I felt happiness like light foam inside,
Nothing could make this face frown.

If he returns I’ll be waiting.
If he doesn’t I’ll treasure memories.
If another comes by I might compare,
But if he be good I’ll love him.
Ciss.5th Dec

{I wrote this one evening.My cousins had come to visit.I found them in the house and after greeting them,I had to get away.I had to write this poem.It might have seemed very rude then,but I had to ignore proper social etiquette and get this poem out.I had many title for it but I decided to settle on this one.
I sent it to two of my friends and their comments made me feel that it was worth it.
Lew-that's the most romantic poem I ever read.I have never sat down to read a poem,but you make me.
Mutua-That must have been some guy huh?}

Don't Get Married Lizzie

These plum trees were planted for you
The fire place stones set for you.
See the orange tree, pruned for you
This house was made for you

Don’t compare us lizzie.
I am adopted
My place is borrowed
I’m only for a moment.

The house I love I’ll leave
The animals will be fed by another
My days on this hill will cease
Banished to uncertainty.

You don’t love the house, why?
The animals scurry away from you
You stay is unhurried ,indefinite,
Why do you grow impatient?

Among these conditions remain,
Under this roof ne’er depart
To welcome your brother’s wives be
To sooth the lil’ ‘uns to sleep.

The bean plot your own
The master bed, the family duvet too,
This is your family
If only we could change places.

You are first place here
A husband, your firstborn
They are selling you to a man
They are ,to cook and clean.

Don’t get married Lizzie.
To the village on the hill
Why get married Lizzie?
Should you though, good will.

March5th 2006
{I wrote this when a friend called me and told me-I’m getting married in April-
Why?Are you sure?How come?I asked.
She said she had found-the one-
The bit about cooking and cleaning,,,,well that’s just-words.Not my sentiments exactly.I respect wifely duties and have no arguments concerning it}

Nostalgia 2

I wake up early,
Draw the curtains a crack,
To peep into the world of today
The skies, the banana tree remind m e
Of days gone by, of days unnumbered
When I watched the world ,not here.
When I watched the world, with little care
When the world was moderately beautiful
I remember home

The lazy weekend mornings,
The relaxed family breakfast
The good humored teasing,,,,,
And the late one who drunk cold tea.
The stream of tea drinking guests
Big kettles always steaming by the fire place
I remember sounds too-
A panga being sharpened.
The clink of milking cans being cleaned.

The smell of freshly cut grass
Burning cedar that tightened my throat
The stretchy feeling, a desire,
To prolong the morning
The cushiony clasp under the chest,
Of being with family,all together.
The varied excitement
The baby’s first tottering
The mixed reactions, laughter, admonitions,
When the small brother pissed at the door steps ,again!

It was all good,even when bad
For around these people, there was safety
In their midst, you didn’t mind looking bad
These people laughed at your antics,
And sat silent by the bed when you ailed
They understood when you wished to be left alone
Especially when in bad mood ,then joked ‘bout it later
One felt at ease ,walking around hair askew.
Even with an unwashed face, one didn’t look strange.
I remember home.

{26thNov.2005}